Living a Lie

Have you ever had that feeling that you're the only one who knows the truth?
Like you're the only truthful person in the world?
The only one not living a lie?
Or maybe you feel like you're the one lying.
You see know point in telling everyone the truth because it hurts too much.
I know I've seen the horrors of both sides.

I don't know how many times I've sat in class or at home and thought about all the lies I told people that day. The most popular one is saying, "I'm fine" when really I just need a shoulder to cry on. There's been days that I have told my best friends things no one else knows and they just stood there shocked. I've lied to them too. Everyone in my life I have lied to at one point or another. I know that sounds horrible, but somethings are better left unsaid.


Lately I have been living a lie. I've been walking around with a heavy heart and pretending that it is happy being alone. Truth is, I feel like I am being truthful about it. I dont sit with this happy smile on my face, but rather a single look that changes with its surroundings. I call it my Truthful Lie. It is the lie I tell when I can't be truthful. I act the way that allows me to fade in the background because then no one will ask the one question I can't stand to hear. Are you okay?

Okay, I know I am rambling so let me cut to the chase. No one should have to live like I do. I shouldn't have to lie to everyone to keep my feelings under wrap. Thankfully, I have this blog and one of my amazing best friends to talk to. Other girls out there, boy too, and adults deal with these secrets that devour them, little by little. They don't tell anyone about it because then they have to explain all the lies. So instead they coop up the secrets, the lies, the hurt, the pain, everything. And they sit on it. Some will cry at night when no ones around. Others will choose to just ignore their secrets and wish them away. No matter what they do though, those secrets will eat at them over time. Then one day it happens. They break. No one can estimate the time they'll break, but it'll happen unexpectedly and nothing will be able to stop it.

I know this because it's happened to me. I kept something hidden for so long, I had started to lie to myself about the secret I possessed. And like I said, I broke. No where to go, but up because I had hit rock bottom. So I did the one thing I could, I ran from my problems, again. And again I broke a few weeks later. It had gotten so bad that every time I had a problem I wouldn't face it and I started hurting myself.

I wouldn't eat. I'd cry myself to sleep almost every night. Sometimes I'd think about horrid things. And the whole time I couldn't stop because I couldn't deal with the fact that I was living a lie. I still live one, but I always make sure to let someone know the truth. Maybe mix it in with my conversation or tell my best friend what's going on. It keeps me from drowning in the stories I make up.

It helps and that's all that matters. Truth be told, I walk around school and I have this huge smile on my face when I pass people I can't stand, because they're my "friends". I act strong around the guy I like that decided we're better off not dating, because he is my BEST friend. Then I let the tears, pain, and lies spill as I hug this girl, because she is my OTHER best friend. And she is the sole reason why I can live a lie everyday. She makes living a truthful lie possible. It's being able to lie to everyone because you can be truthful with a single person.

Don't hold it all in.
Trust me, it'll kill you in the end.

Until Next Time,
<3 Kay